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A Window Girl: Part 4
Analyse of window girl’s love in my dream near the mountain.
(Inside the dream of dreams)


It's been such a wonderful and blessed life and I am more than grateful to her for giving me what she had. Really, there were moments when I sit quietly by myself, feel indebted to that super power above, and thank her from my every pore. The kiss was as a 420 volt of current…. I place my hand upon her sweet tender skin; run my fingers through her hair, sweet and soft. Kisses like sugar upon my lips, soft and sweet like a fairy tale, a wish I make to be her possession evermore. My wish and her dream collide, for her shall leave me years and years. My heart skips a beat when she’s in sight my mind is filled with wonder my heart with delight. Her eyes, so dark and deep she’s so generous, smart and sweet I thought it would never happen to me, I often swept her off her feet because I still feel the beauties of her feet to climb up by one kind of extra sensuality into her heart.

I admire her for the faith she had in me. Even in my dream she uses to bring me so many surprises, a surprise of good feelings. I admire her for the fact that despite of being from the big family and living all alone by her own beautiful visions, she had stuck to me for one year without doubting me even once. It's also for the assurance that I gave her that I wasn't going to do anything of that sort. Though we weren’t living far away, maximum 20m of the distance, I was always very secure about her and knew that nothing would go wrong. Throughout during the one year, I would update her on whatever happened except for my past story. This was because I wanted her to enjoy the present. Love wasn’t revealing those beautiful incidents we shared in love. The reason why, I didn't want to share all those lovely moments, that happened between us because I was keeping them in my heart. I have some minded blowing incidents but it's all under wraps because they make amazing scenes the love which I’ve always dreamt… with her. Nevertheless, everyone including my own family and friends were very happy when I fell in love with her. Love is pushing off to the station after pick up... I remember every morning went away where it was so sweet to give her a warm company to the station, oh lovely morning, thanks for giving me this amazing possibility…We never made it look like a long distant relationship. Since the time we started going around, we would talk to each other 7-8 hours, almost everyday. After every two hours we would be in touch with each other and would talk a lot in the night, in the lake side drinking the bears, cocas and it was a wonderful every nights to listen(her songs sang by her) listening her lots of songs, taking her hand, under the cloudy weather. So it was like as though we are in the same room but not meeting. I knew exactly what she was doing and vice versa.

Talking about the love in the lakeside with beautiful songs, some people are mediocre, others are good and still others are impressively talented, she belongs to the last category there. And if you just raised a supercilious eye and wondered at the quality of her output, you'd do well to know that she's won it was never something she wanted. Her interest was dance and, in the beginning, I didn't enjoy being with her at all. It has to be experienced as one complete work of art. I think it goes into a new genre every step in her way; she has composed her life with lots of emotions, pieces with musical and vocal phrases and components. I said “Take me with you, wherever you want. Because, I can’t bear to stay away from you anymore, for I’ve fallen in love with you but you’re the one I talk about, you’re the one who makes me restless. Sometimes when I’m with you, I feel that every moment of mine is now painted in hues of joy and I can’t bear to stay away from you anymore. What’s this high of love? I know not where it has brought me; I feel togetherness is incomplete without you. In you I find everything, I lack nothing and I really don’t know how much I love you but what I do know is that I’m so empty without you.”

“You’re my soul, you mean the life to me, you’re my joy, you’re my support and loving you is life itself for me. You’re love, romance for me. Should any sorrows even look at you, it sets my heart on fire, its tough then to placate this heart, the things I do you can’t even imagine.” “How my heart pines, I don’t know but I do know that I can’t smile without you. I just see that people are said to bear the grief of sadness, I wonder how they can even spend their lives but for me, even a day is like a year without you. How I wait so long for you, I really don’t know about the future but I know for sure that I can’t breathe without you. Wherever there isn’t the moon in the skies and it’s a dark night, I won’t ever feel fear if you’re with me. When the clouds gather, when there’s a heavy downpour but I’ll be very happy at every raindrop if you’re with me. Does that mean there’s someone in this world belongs to me, if I know, every moment will be filled with lights if you’re with me. If ever I shed tears or bad tidings come my way, I’ll smile even then if you’re with me. If ever there’s mirth and happiness comes to me, life will be like the heavens if you’re with me”.

My very poor words, in other language, poetry, are a component of her love’s symphonic compositions. She had these ragas playing in his subconscious and wanted my poems to qualify and describe the feelings in these ragas almost every night. She did sing many of her wonderful songs for me (the real song is her words from her core, to listen to her compositions at her cosy lovely lake in front of the net. I told her to let me hear what she has. I wrote two poems, which was dedicated to her eyes twinkled. But after I became to know her very well, showering so much affection that she started feeling a sense of responsibility.

Some times I reminds me about the moment of my childhood, when I was child, I used to go to the school with my friends. It took the time an hour from Surey to my school. We should walk one hour in the mountains and the way is amongst the jungle. Especially it was so boring to go alone, so we used to gather all and talked in the way of school. We used to sing a song in the way. Unfortunately, one day I felt so unwell and I told my friends that I was not feeling well, wanted to go back to home. So I returned slowly, from the hill point I saw the ‘kuti’(small house) of Sadhu.

Finally, I decided to meet him. I was really impressed by his life style and with lots of good experience of life and human’s love. He asked me “Raja you’re in this time”? He was so surprised to see me in that time. “You didn’t go to the school”? He asked me peacefully. What kind of serenity in his eyes…I told him that I wasn’t so good. After he brought me in the garden of his house and asked me that, “have you ever seen the stars so deeply”? You just see the stars too many at the same time and, there’s a same scale and same size. But when you pointed out only one star, you can see slowly bigger and bigger then other stars, in the end it becomes so big in your vision that you can enter in this star and feel that you’ve found too many tender and peace of love…Happiness doesn’t come in your way if you don’t catch the peace. I still remember these words and I esteem also that may be I couldn’t point out the real word to find a so much love which were offering me… Love is…loves her the way she is.

All I knew is that I loved her… I never thought that I would find my “window girl” this bend of my life after so long time but I did and it's kind of amazing. I was hoping to find a soul mate Angel. As far as I'm concerned I'm going to fly next life. Love is as cute as the shining at mountains’ said an English professor of mine in school. The unconventional definition that it was, it made a permanent place in my memory. And it's when you meet people like my cousin that you want to believe more and more in this marvel called love. What's interesting in my love story that was as unconventional as my principle idea of romance, romance in the rainy night! So what did the term 'love' mean to me is that love wasn't at first sight but in the end but I knew that she gave me more than she could.

I can't pin point only one thing that what I really liked about her. All I knew is that I love her. And that's it. There are so many small things that contribute to our love. Now I don't sit and think why I love her etc. I felt that even if one thing dies, there are million of other things in her that will carry on me to love her again and again. Moreover, my entire family, cousin, and friends love her the way she is as an "Angel", who came with wind of monsoon for a second and just went far away without saying good-bye… I read her in her eyes as the most beautiful but speedy monsoon of this planet I've ever known...till date.

The first flush of love, there’s nothing quite like it, I can say. Whoever coined this term must have been a creative genius, considering it does just that, flushing your mind and preparing it for the disasters to follow. In manner of wiping the slate, clean for further trash to be scribbled on, so in a classic love story pattern. It’s true that with perseverance which comes rare these days. When you’re in love with someone, you build this whole new world around that person. Patience is certainly a virtue but my past ex-girlfriend didn’t seem to be particularly virtuous in her regard. In other hand, seems to be ignoring any such assumptions and she’s all set to defy the norms. In reality when you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. Well, that pretty much puts an end to one more myth about love, love don’t wait…instead it makes you wait.

As we’re known to believe and live in extremes…extreme emotions pumped out of every heart, flowing in our veins, rising and falling all ready to rush out and burst. We oscillate between black and white, stone the sinner and idolize the saint. Even our love stories have a beginning and only two possible conclusions, a happy ending or tragic final. Let’s face it; melodrama is a part of our lives. But that doesn’t mean it should be difficult to believe that some people do have a less dramatic life style. Their relationship don’t just begin and end; of course they do go through rough weather and come out of it, together but our story also has one such ‘un happening ‘ couple, especially by the family meter. “un happening”, quite literally though, because nothing much has been happening on our front. We are used to highly volatile, tumultuous, blow hot blow cold types.

I admit that life is not always a bed of roses. Sometimes, you’re forced to wear the crown of pain too, pain of love in our private lives. I admit that also personally speaking, it’s pretty incomprehensible for me to think of my life without her smile…. But I’m disappointed from her despite swearing to live with so much love forever. I don’t think if life let’s go of it, it’s a really big thing. I always felt that our relationship isn’t the sort of relationship that I had with her, which was far open and more respectful. These were the places; whereas she had given to me a lot of emotions. But unfortunately it didn’t materialize. She wasn’t convinced from my side and it was highly commendable even on her part to turn down from our relationship after walking only in the dreams. The picture of her, I can see a mind-blowing smile of her, ever since I saw it, I had wanted to keep it in the deep side of my heart but it never took shape.

That’s a deal I promise I’ll make, provided she makes the right choice. As she says, it’s just that one person you’ve to find in this world. But finding one person in this faceless crowd! I still remember once she had told me, “You’ve too much of soul, love, you must find a person who can match that. It’s another thing that you tend to attract assholes” The compliment aside, she, unfortunately, the feeling is so mutual….

It makes some thing once when I’ve seen a plane ready to take off, the memories stayed deep in the pitch of the night and point out that its path is as clear as a starless night and the light across the runaway simply make its lift off seem like a cakewalk. What we don’t see is the manpower and the complicated gadgets behind the smooth ascend. As an onlooker, it seems as if the plane has marked its inclined path and nothing can deter it from its course, I always think that it’s only matter of time before she soars beyond the journalistic stratosphere and with whisper “journey that has just begun”, and became fed up with everything. Unfortunately, I was the real victim to wear some nasty words that used to come from the real world as I’m talking about only dreams. Hello! I’ve also so small heart and I really don’t have much places to put all these shits words, as well as being a very emotional fool I’d already got so many smoke inside my heart…

Definitely, because this character was very different from any other character she’s ever played since her childhood, of course she is a mystery somewhere I can only feel it and see it only in my dreams. I did understand it purely, I thought like this because it was her visualization and I’ve been great lover ever since .She would keep remaining me in her husky voice that ‘you’re my Raja’. And I’d always teasingly ask her which other one of her former boyfriends would allow her to call him like this, while he was kissing her. 'A real fucker!' She would answer. If I didn’t have this heart, I’d have been so bad human and it’d have made me really unhappy. This is the way I look the things and I can’t change that. Because that’s not something I believe in. You’re wrong if you think that just being good human is going to keep your sweet heart glued to your lover’s heart. She wanted more and more may be I don’t have all those things which she’s been searching since a long. I have wised up a lot. I know it’s not as easy as it seems. I do believe that unlike anywhere else, life gets tough in the deep as you get more affections. I’ve got disillusioned, disappointed and insecure during my difficult time but I’ve never looked upon anyone as worst because I’ve always maintained that whether there’s happiness or sorrow, being negative and feeling victimized is not going to get me anywhere. I’ve learnt to be comfortable with who I am….When I met her first, it’s true that there was a certain amount of reservation from my side. I could easily feel that she had her doubts about me also. I thought to myself, why am I being so judgemental? I guess she felt the same way; the feelings were mutual between us.

If we love somebody, we love as they are. In love, there's no compromise. In love, there's a happiness and argument also. With out any arguments there's no any test for love, well I think so. Love means worship, love means trust, love means power, love means truth, and love means confidence, love means sacrifice, love means one of the beautiful dreams. The starting of a one relationship is the kind of child and we need to make an effort to develop it. For the development, we need the some positive and some negative things to find a very clear and pure heart. The good way...it's always difficult to find but that love can find the way. I always believed in this conception since my childhood. One day one of my English teacher asked to explain the meaning of feelings...and I told him that the pure feelings isn't come still we don't meet the people to whom we want to die....After he asked me that "So are you going to die for your lover if the time chooses between you and her?" Then I said "of course"...Nobody cared about it but in reality it makes a distance between a good lover if they don’t speak from their heart....somewhere it seemed also so childish but I told her many times that I've really loved her more than my life...It's impossible to lie to my own heart. Yes I can lie to someone but not to my heart that's why I'm not missing her so much even though she rarely comes in my dreams. The heart doesn't understand another world, only understand the love world and always want to touch another heart for which it’s falling in love...

Love can teach too many things to make a good human beings but it depend on the person. When I looked back, I can find too many dusts in my passing way, just like a cloud. But I can understand that I wasn't clear but I did hurt her may be. I didn't do that by myself but it happened by chance. I do feel so hurt if I kill a insect, so how I can hurt her, the person I loved....I spent so many sleepless nights wondering if I hurt “my window girl” and I was seeing all my mistakes as answers of my questions. And at the same time I've been suffering from severe depression. I never thought that I would find my mistake (not so much communication with her because of my fear) this early in my life. I always use to say that anything that involves pain and suffering makes me a wiser person. So that I’m…

When you’re in love, you get used to sharing smallest details of your day with the other person. But often the biggest grouse is left unsaid. Moreover, with the only person, you expect anything from; a small hill can easily turn into a mountain. The couple met frequently still, but like they say, “The sun’s shining, flowers are blooming and our eyes are kissing. Yet, something is still missing”. The unexplained silence and unwarranted distance was hurting me so much. When there isn’t any movement in a relationship, it stagnates. We hope for a logical conclusion for this one. Relationships are like a china vase; if it breaks, it can no doubt be fixed again but crack always reminds. Here’s wishing that the twosome doesn’t crack under their respective pressures, for love’s sake…Perhaps, a love that will perhaps not die over several such clarifications from my part. A relationship, beyond a point, grows to be a necessity for those in it. Even if it’s a redundant one, a corpse you carry on your back, the weight of which only grows heavier with each passing day. Yet, when it’s over and you admit it, there is a void within you, one which can only be filled by memories of days gone by....The planet we inhabit is an oval shape, and life is clearly a circle. So it follows that what goes around, must come around. I’m the emotionally immature fool, inside, nobody knows. I’ve no people skills or I’d have known that a simple request might work just fine, presuming, of course, that the request is reasonable but I still feel that I’ve never been known to be reasonable from other eyes may be, which I'm missing every seconds.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear…I heard somewhere, well exactly what happened to my love. My grandmother used to tell me that “when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one will be smiling and everyone around you will be crying but love is the most beautiful chapter of your life which makes you smile every time…You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot with heart. But there are lots of people used to forget this word so easily.

“Rajaaaaaaa!!!!!, it’s 9 o’ clock already and you’re still sleeping. We’ve to go to attend the wedding ceremony. Hurry up!!” My mom was screaming at me.
I just woke up…
“Oh my mom always disturbs me when I’m in my dream with the feeling of my window girl, any way other things I’ll write next time” I was talking myself.

-Written by Simon Rimal
Walking in the lane